Emptiness~

4mths Exactly...
Since i last wrote anything here...

Not too sure why i m blogging again now
but perhaps i really needed somewhere to write down my emotions and thoughts
and also... to ward off that emptiness...

It was around this time last year when i began my Uni life.
He was still around.............
I still remember the day, e first day of school when he told me this
"I held u when u first came to this world,
and you came as my 56th years old Bday present.
From a toddler till now, i could still remember the day when u first schooled
and now u are on your way for your varsity already.
How i have aged... But perhaps the only dream i still have
would be attending your graduation ceremony with proud pride"

Now as El is writing this down with a wrenched heart
he is no longer around despite his wish aint fulfilled.

20th May 2002 when she left me,
I cried my heart out...
Perhaps till now, i have yet to overcome the impact her absence brought to me
but now... there is another pain for me to deal with
From that day on, my life changed...
The warm family life that i used to take for granted some how vanished in a second
Despite so... there was still him around whom i can still talk to and cherish

When my confinements ended in NDU as well as OCS...
Alone he would travel to vist me...
I would always see him with his pack of stuff that he would bring along for me
an elderly figure who would never fail to travel the distance just to visit me
Despite his age, despite his ailments, despite the distance....
He was always there...

At times when i was tired...
He would still be around to talk to me each day i reach home
Since fateful day 23th June 2006
I lost him forever...

He is gone, i have grown to accept the fact.
But however, his familiar figure, e scent of his cigarettes, his occasional naggings of concern
lingers on in my mind strongly

El realised that he is terrified of emptiness that surrounds him everynight.
Whenever i am all alone and nothing occupies my time and mind
this bug runs in me...
Just when i am in this house where they used to stay in with me
tots just keep flashing
I feel horrible...
I feel just as if i am now all alone in this world now...

I am afraid of being at home....
All the more of being home alone all quiet around me
That would be the reason why i keep getting myself occupied these days
be it playing the guitar, watching youtube, or doing all the housechores
i just didnt wanna be left alone to be reminded of this emptiness

El always tot he was strong...
but perhaps it really isnt the case
He is terribly weak when it comes to emotions
and getting over such pain...

How long is it going to take?
This house is cold as beer...
I do not feel any family warmth anymore

Just as i m starting a new term tml....
Mixed feelings brew in my heart...
I wanna just go to bed but somehow i couldnt

A long day tml,
school followed by tuition
and back i am to this cold house all alone.

What can i do to ward off this feeling?

And how much medication of TIME will i need to recover?
God enlighten me pls...

Yet Another ONe & another 1 & another one

Wat am i to do??
I dont like it

A gal who si ai mian zi
A gal who refuses to apologise

Reason being....................
J, " i dont like to say sorry"

Well if u are wrong u are supposed to say it isnt it??
wats with u like it or not

I dont like sch... but i am going becox i am supposed to

She is like damn duhz..............

How is El supposed to deal with such a gal???

Fine if u dont wanna apologise
Wont u even admit that u are in the wrong??
Still talking all right and justified~
Wats with that~~~
I dont like that attitude
However, she says that she didnt mean that
if i wanna feel this way she cant do a thing

GRRRRRRRRRRR
dont blame pple for getting the wrong impression
u have a part for giving that impression
Check the way u speak as well as your tone

Do u even sound apologetic abt your fault??

All i feel is............. i dunno how to deal with such a wilful gal

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Fuck it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts?

Its been such a long while since i really type a thing here. My closest diary is thou shall not worry abt your existence... U r rmbed by El~

No sch work
No games
No troubles

El is set to just have break
Tonite El tot of lots of stuff

Wats happiness in life??
Money?? All the freaking C's u can possibly dream of owning??
A pretty gf?? Success in work??
Fame?? Glory??

Humans are unique we come to this piece of land the very same way
and we leave it the very same way
Perhaps thats abt all to wat all humans have in common ba

However, we think very differently, fight for distinct different things
Have u ever tried to do wat i have done,
Sit down properly and ask yourself this very qn??
I realised i am lost
i do not really know wat i want
It took El quite a while before i actually sorted out my priorities

El's dumb EQN,
Family + Friends + Love = Happiness

I have happily excluded money
I am not a saint i need it as well BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its perhaps one of the worse invention mankind ever came up w ba?
Its absence brings great discomfort
Its presence doesnt really make El much happier...

Losing Her in 210502 was perhaps the most painful thing that happened in El's life
Till today i cry, till today i feel the pain n regret over wat i failed to do...
Well its not gonna help.
I just have to bear with those listed above and treasure the all those ard...
1 regret in life is bad enuff since its not erasable
I dont need anymore additions

As for friends... Its subjective
Everyone needs diff kinda friends, commit diff into friendship as well
For El, the 4 years in St Gabs was by far the best thing that can happen ba
These years saw him acquainting the truest closest friends he ever needed
No one noes wat is gonna happen tml...
We may become enemies, lose contact or perhaps just stay the same
Its going to be 10yrs next year...
How many 10years can a person have on earth assuming he lives to 60?
Its been happy these 1oyrs, fair share of joy and tiny whiny bit of unhappiness
Thanks Bros~
but wat doesnt kill it strengthens it, perhaps thats why our ties is going strong

As for the love part,
Its really luck and your lobang with cupid
If u r lucky u get one~
I have one now and i just wanna cherish her
Been thru quite a bit to have a fair chance to see wat a person she has changed to
She is indeed just who i want and who i need
Just someone i can love and loves me
Wat more can i possibly ask for?? 1650 is the target

Seriously... For El
All that he wants for happiness is there,
The funny potluck that brings him joy.
Its actually nice to reflect on your life
as it really makes u feel how fortunate u are
Well, we often see funny qns in those spam chain emails
asking if u know u r going to die tml wat would u do today?
If u leave this world, do u think u r a happy man? etc etc...
For me i just realised one thing... after thinking thru...
No one is gonna come to your wake paying the last respect to u
rmbing the amount of money u accumulated while u breathed.... (thats why money is excluded)
If u had done pple wrong, the person wont be at your wake in the 1st place lol
Just sthg to ponder abt...
Wouldnt it be nice if at least one person were to come to your wake rmb-ing just one nice thing u have ever done that brought him fond memories?
To El, that means that a walk on this earth isnt wasted already~

Well, maybe whoever reads this may be finding me very morbid or pessimistic
But the truth is contrary...
I am viewing life in another way that perhaps pple wouldnt normally do??
And i am indeed happy to realised how fortunate i am
A occasional break like this is essential for me ba
Too many things have cropped up lately,
muddling my head, blinding me, draining me of my energy
I wanna be tired no more,
Onwards i will move...

Life journey is a displacement quantity
the starting point and end point are fixed
Carve out your happy path ba
since no matter wat,
once u start u gotta end at the same point
Too curvy burns u out
Too plain sailing is boring as well
Find your own equilibrium~ =)

Just wondering?

Twice a mth
So thats 24 per year
So if u get to see your gf for only 24 times per year
and each time u meet its between 1/3 to 1/2 a day,

so the number of days u meet per year is ranging from 8 - 12

Is the amt of time enuff to maintain a relationship???
U may joke abt it, the time is so little,
Not even enuff to quarrel
Lol~
El dunno the answer.....

Maybe he just need someone who can spend more time than this
But she says its her constraint, i dont like it but its kinda true also

Just keep the fingers crossed,
Hope the feelings dont fade
Somehow i feel it will.....
But its pretty simple, since she is constrained i cant do nuts
lets just see how it goes
if no feelings, just suak lorz~
Hanker on for wat....

Lol~
El and his watever
El and his simply cant be bothered

I dont Understand

J is irritating
J is troublesome
J makes me flare

Why???
She uses double negative
She uses passive voices all the time
She is madly in love with her ambiguity sentence structure

Is her command of English lousy?
I dunno~
I dont care
I dont like the above mentioned elements

Rather that saying, I didnt say i am free
A better thing to say would be I am BUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Black Grey White
If jolene must choose a color among the 3
if she likes white
She will say i dont like black
and if i chooses grey, she will come tell me she didnt say she liked grey either
Cant she freaking just say i like white???
Simple thing like this
El hates it~ so damn freaking the senseless to me

Worse of all,
she doesnt even rmb wat she says or wat she typed
Fine~ Fair enuff that its words of anger when we quarrel
But when she is not flaring up yet,
She is too ambiguous
I dont understand wat she means

STRAIGHT & Simple IN MY FACE JOLENE
Can u pls say things that way???

Are we on the wrong frequency? Maybe
People ard don't tell u that?
I think my English is too good???
I cant say watever now~ u dont like it isnt it?

Isnt too much to ask for isnt it???
well well well
El is weird
damn~
Like it take it, if not leave it~

Hesitance

As a physics student and an engineer,
I can deal with
Resistance
Conductance
Capacitance
Inductance

Somehow i cannot deal with hesitance

She called Yest~
I cant make up my mind
I need to think
U want it back no matter wat
Its so glad to finally hear it outta you
The faith and strength u wanna put into the relationship

But right now its all just me
I am hesitant
I have no reason to explain the hesitance
Time is wat i need
Really sorry that i cant give u answers now

I hope i will not take too long either

El's head is heavy~

Its Really All Over

I am wondering, is a relationship just a matter between the two parties??
We like each other.
We wanna walk on with each other.
Many things have happened in the past 180days,
nuttin manage to separate us but now its really over i guess~

I was very disheartened and down when u affirmed my suspicion.
All along i knew your brother didnt like me,
there was always this feeling of horrid hostility from him
Some ugly uncomfortable scenes happened but i always chose to keep quiet
i didnt wanna strain the relationship btw u and your bro
how strange.... we never had more than 10words in total
yet why is it that he dislikes me so much to this extent???

I was very sad, i am still sad.
I do try to deny~

Why on earth would he need to intervene in our relationship???
Yes u r his sister~ He wants the best for u, i understand that~
I only have one qn that i do not have an answer to....
Who is he to judge my future and pass a death sentence on me??
I do not see him as a very successful individual~
I will be honest~ From start, I never liked him
he is no more than a loser.
Way too self-conceited and always thinks he is right,
he is not very rational either
But one thing that is true is he does want the best for u, his only sister
Just my opinions mostly negative, not aiming to discredit him
but maybe if u do read this, u will noe what i do see in him

My family teaches me two things which i live to rmb.
1) Never badmouth people behind their backs, cox u never wanna pple to do that to u
2) Never ever look down on people, if u do no one will look up to u either

Not really angry words from me just being critical..
Well u noe me.... all these while no matter wat, i never badmouthed him
while he has been doing it all these while

I do not have a car, living in just a shabby flat in Sengkang
My family cant give me much but i do not demand for anything more
Well yes maybe if i am a doctor or lawyer to be,
maybe he would pass a diff sentence on me???
He is psycho-ing u, his gf psycho your mother~
I do find stress in the relationship..... Its tiring on me
Moreover, we are already in diff world,
U r working i am still schooling
Gap grows..... with this prob more inevitable trouble will brew

I do not aim to just live through my life
the standard way normal HDB flat dwellers do...
I have my dreams to push me and to work towards
No doubt, my family aint rich, i am not the best catch
But i dare say i am decent and striving

U do not have the courage to bear the burden
I do not have the courage to blindly go on
I noe i will hurt when i see u collapse when u get sandwiched between him and me someday
We all noe that day will surely come if we are tgt

Letting go is painful but its only short term effect
Much as i hate to but i still choose to let it go
When night falls, tots of u and the happy times flood my mind
Wat can i do?? Not gonna wallow, Not gonna cry....
I just regret not being able to do a thing to change the situation so i can have u back.

Someday your brother will regret his judgement and wat he tot of me
For now, to the hell with him and his despising looks on me
I do pray he will achieve more and be well off always
so he never have a chance to feel wat i feel
Losers cant fall, hope he never fall~

I am working towards my goals, my engineer dream~
I live once and i will succeed~

Back to the same road~

El is low
El is sad
El feels hurt also....
What shd have been considered from start was not...
We had merely tried walking another route that leads back to the same deadfall,
till the deadfall is cleared, no way out for us
A mistake that i have made gave away the qualification for the special unique place in her heart
Thats why the deadfall is obstructing us

I really enjoyed the past 159days tgt...
The light that i can see at the end of the road i am walking on is dim
Consolation being there is still light however dim it may be
Will it lead to a new road?
Or will the light just be illuminating a "Dead End" sign?
I do really pray its not the latter

Her door is locked~ i cant go in...
I cant do anything but just wait... it is painful but waiting is my only option
I am certain if she opens the door, i am definitely waiting there for her
But if she chooses to have it closed,
I guess its over

Certainly hope she will not take long to spell the outcome
Watever the result, i will respect her decision...
Even if it means giving her up
Because, all i really wanted is for her to be happy

Who i Really Need

Yes, El is a sensitive guy.... Too sensitive at times...
He needs someone who is caring meticulous and sensitive.
She possess none of the above mentioned...
Rather than trying to be a little like the aboved mentioned, she expects El to be less sensitive and maybe dont demand for them~
When things go wrong, she would come say sorry and expect immediate forgiveness....
No matter wat is wrong, i am deemed to be kicking a fuss that is surely not required just because i am too sensitive~
Is there really understanding between us??
Have we really been communicating and not just talking??
Truely, its taxing and demanding to maintain a relationship...
I am really freaking sick and tired of it all...
She is happily the kid under the X'mas Tree mistletoe while the Santa Claus giving presents is losing the strength as time goes by....
Is she the one for me????????????
I really dunno...

Just Another Boring Sat

She is not free, I am.
Friends are not free, I am.
No one @ home, I am.
Sch work?? Do some workout to build some muscles??
Nahz Nahz Nahz..... Not in mood for anything...
Sch work will be for tonite~
I just wanna lie on my bed and enjoy my jazz...
Been so super lazy lately~ For wat reason, i do not noe...
People would think its becox of her~ But not really... I am just lazy, just feeling so tired...
Not been sleeping well~
Heard this quote last night, "A Successful Relationship Is Made Up of 2 Parties of Which Each Is A Complete House On Its own" Is my house complete?? Lol I dunno
Yupz yupz, its from my Bro Pr... Him and his theories...
I am not gonna give the lame eyebrow theory in case u heard of the dye hair theory...
Juz gonna rot my weekend away~

Get Away

El is taking a break today~ No school, no MA1505, EG1108 nor CS1101c for him... Just rest!!! Stommy ulcer is recovering, at least no pain today... Emotions is calm n cool~ However, no mood to study......
El is gonna just rest, listen to his favourite Jazz music, do simple stuff like laundry or house cleaning... Maybe El is not a very disciplined person, maybe he is not able to get back to a very routine life either...
Didnt get to enjoy CNY, i wonder when will be the day when i finally break loose from my burden that has been hurting for 4years... When will pain not come back to me on CNY?? I really have no idea abt that, neither do i possess the confidence to say it will not take long. Maybe wat my dear said was right... just let time do its work, some people go crazy, some take a lifetime and never get outta such regrets... I believe i will someday!!
Rest and relax is wat i need for today... i believe its not too much to ask for~ I do look forward to 10pm today~

Screw U Elvin~

This is a Bitching post! Whoever hates it, do not read on... Now listen, pple close to El noes he hates Chinese New Year... He hates disclosing the reason... Its just got sthg to do with a regret~ El hates feeling neglected esp by her~ Perhaps becox he is assured by her that she values him... He is a pillar!!! I dunno... my mind is blanking out now~ My stomach is hurting becox of my bad gastric problem!!! Its returning to trouble me these days when i dont have appetite to eat... No one believes it, its CNY yet he still doesnt have appetitie... But really makes me feel horrid is the feeling of being neglected... I would rush down to the clinic when she is ill... why is it that she merely send a few sms and thats all?? And none even asked if i am feeling alrite now?? Wouldnt she even spare a call to check if i am indeed alrite??? My stomach hurts... My heart feels a greater pain!! Is this really the kinda value she sees in me?? Am i really asking for too much?? I have no idea~ So much for saying i am important, i am gonna be treasured, i am valued~
Maybe she is not sensitive~ Maybe she is tired~ Maybe she is busy... A mere few sms and she is off to bed... Am I really important? I dunno~ I cant sleep!!

Mere Fatigue

My dear is back~ Nuttin makes me happier than this!!!!! I think i m really addicted to her smile and i will pay all price to earn a smile on her face... A couple of shitty things happened to her for the past few days and her mood is really rock bottom. Her internal struggle with hits from cold hard reality making things worse... Of all times, the damn flu bug gotta come pester her today~
I guess, all i can do is just quietly stay by her side, being her tear absorbent pillow?? I really not know of anything more to do... I do wish she would not brood anymore~ Seeing her sad just drags my mood to the lowest it can get as well. Tired i may be, over watever i may have to handle, studies, coaching my brother, my family probs etc... However, the one that i really really care the most for but feel so helpless is just her. It may be a gd growing process, i had struggled outta mine 2yrs ago as well... Yet it hurts me seeing her in that situation now.... However bad n rough the patch maybe, i m sorry but you really do have to walk it thru my dear. Thats the bad thing~ But rest assured that someone here will be holding a torch to walk it thru with you~
No doubt i am tired now with fatigue catching up with me... Till i am assured she is fine will i be able to rest well~ Despite all the fatigue, i am happy!!! Being the one sharing only joyful times will not help!!! I really do wanna be the one you share your sorrows with... and i m glad you allowed me to. For i believe, we are not merely talking now, we are communicating~ May i see the true smile from the bottom of the heart in no time~ I do believe its mere fatigue, it will be healed by her smile =)

Erhmzzzzzzzzzzz

Hey, u aint that fat as rumoured wat!!!! Thats like the freaking line that is resounding in my ears for the past 2 weeks lol~ Now, what really puzzles me is... The 2kg gained from X'mas is way gone after 1 week of running... I m like weighing lesser than how i was after i ORD~ Yet everyone is still saying the same thing??? Maybe the vainpot is acting up again?? lol~
Its just weird why everyone comes over to me saying the same old shit... Is my weight and shape of that much capability to satisfy pple's curiosity?? Was talking to hammie a few days back abt this... His answer being: F*** IT~ Ya Baby fats been on you all along, not like they popped up recently~ Just be happy!!!! Anyway, IPPT is gonna be after VDay Lol~ Wat a gd plan isnt it??? $400 bucks is entering my acc for sure... Shall use it to cover the hole burnt in my pocket due to Vday!!! Already settled on my plans for VDay~ The VDay 'project' is gonna take quite a bit of time... maybe i shd start embarking on it. Only prob is that she might happen to discover it when she comes over on CNY. If thats the case, its gonna be pointless already rite? If surprise = 60%, the 60% of amazement is already gone~
Hooray~ Finally drop down to mere 3 cards to go... By the time the cards are all filled i can countdown to her arrival already lol~
Rachel set off for Australia today!!! Bon Voyage gal~ Sorry i disappointed u... I believe u understand why i rejected ya request to patch up! There really isnt space in my heart for you... That J Gal took all avail space already..... Time healed those wounds u left in my heart~ i believe thoses in ya heart will heal in no time.
Grr 8am lecture tml~ Better go Slp... No screwing ard anymore this sem onwards!!!

Whole New Start

Finally a new term begins~
gosh, everyone i ran into in sch just tells me the same thing! El you seemed to have put on weight, gerard is better, he really 'made' my day lol~ I m determined now, gotta start running everyday from this very day and lost those extra stuff on me~
Went to see a doctor today as i really cannot stand the damn outbreak anymore. Any later i can change my name to Mark Tan already.... Well i believe everyone noes how vain i m so there is no need for me to explain why i m so uptight abt this... the damn medication plus a facial wash costed me $80 bucks. How ex it is to be vain lol~ But maybe i shd be comforted to know that it will last me for 2 months, so even it out to be 40 a month abt 1.30 a day lol~ Shit, i m doing it again, my best fwens would prob be used to this already. I already lost count of how many dollarz i m upkeeping a day based on such calculation.
My dear called from taiwan just abt an hour ago~ Glad that she is having fun touring ard the damn freaking taiwan. Heard she will be moving over to Hualian tml..... gosh i really miss the night market!!! I wanna eat the Assorted Beancurd Jelly... GRRR, lets face reality, i m stuck in S'pore studying and of course losing weight muahaha. But its alrite~ maybe i shall go travelling sometime when she is busy and let her have a taste of the feeling lol...
Its been 2 days already... perhaps numb to the missing~ i didnt really feel the adrenaline rush when i heard her voice just now haha.... Perhaps right now missing her is already a part of my life hence i dont feel the exceptionality.
Doing the special book for her now... Only weiguang noes what i m up to hehe~ damn it, roles are really reversed~ why am i doing this?? I do not freaking have any idea why... Shdnt it be a gal doing it for a guy? Who cares........ I just feel like doing it and it makes me happy!
Elim & Weian~ Shocker yeah??? Didnt realised u all had sthg for each other..... it feels kinda shocking to me~ But still Congrats ya!!! Another pair of Psychotic couple hehehe.
9 more days to go b4 she is back!!! Looking forward to it, hope she likes wat i had prepared her but whether she will be moved, i dont know. Lets not bother, its done anyway~
Time to rest, No more late nights!!! For Da Sake of the Moi Face!!!!! I HATE U PIMPLES GET OUTTA MY LIFE 4EVA~

Back??? But it feels wrong!!!

I finally got an answer from her. The very answer i needed. For the nite i actually tot i was happy... I m now sure its the sense of relief i felt that overwhelmed the happiness. I was not that happy afterall. Why is that so??? Isnt that all i had really hoped for after all these while, and isnt this one of the things causing me the pain??
This is shitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is the pain still clinging on to me... No doubt she is 'back', the feeling is discounted, i m now on my guard against her. I have no idea why the hell i m doing this to us. Perhaps i realised i m really unsure of her afterall... I have no idea who she is... Jolene is the name of a gal i knew thru union camp that likes purple, nuttin more can be associated. I'm unsure thats why i am afraid of hurting her which in turn will bring pain to me!!! Its especially bad when i don't even know wat i do will hurt her... thats why i really dunno what i can do for her.
We had a talk yest~ I know she didnt mean it but that doesnt mean what she say is not going to hurt me. She said this to me, " Many things i said in the past aint from my heart, its more of just to 敷衍 you"
Gosh~ it feels like a stab again... lol~ Who is this gal???? 最熟悉的陌生人???? Do i really know her???????? Maybe its a mere temp loss of memory or a denial of reality... perhaps both are perfect natural instincts of El to protect himself?? lol
I spent the nite thinking but to no avail haha~
I've been given a 1week promise today, perhaps she tot i would be happy. But so wat if the person is forgotten in a week... that is not the problem anymore... Its not gonna make any diff if she take a week, a month or even a year~ No hurry gal, i'm with you for that.
One thing for sure, things are not feeling the same as before... Thats for sure. If love is abt feelings den sthg is wrong if u dont feel right...
Thanks bastard~ the talk with you yest had brought some new things to me... I really learnt... Perhaps most of the time, i was merely talking to her and not communicating, which is why i realised that i dunno her.
It is really true, there is indeed no individuality in a relationship, relationship comprises 3 components, the 2parties and the feelings between the 2. Each component would be strongly linked to the others thats why wat 1 does hurts 2. When sthg goes wrong, 1person cant do anything... When 2 person can face the prob tgt with trust and faith, then only can they conquer the probs cox when 2 has an united mind, the feelings will follow in the same path.
Daniel Beddingfields, i hate u... for i always feel worse when i listen to ya crap.... but luckily its only when i m sad that i might listen to u. Damn it, To hell with the iTunes blasting shit, i m off for a jog to sweat it all out!
I have faith now!!!

Dreams

I'm really feeling confused... She has been msging me everyday... What does a forward msg really show? She still care but do not know wat to say? Or perhaps she is just afraid i might erase her from memory?? I simply refuse to interpret it in reality... Reason being, some of the msg can actually have underlying meanings esp the forward msg kind. I just dont wanna give myself too much of a false hope as it will only turn into greater disappointment.
Well someone told me, if she indeed feels for me, why would she have to take her own sweet time to give me an answer when she is clear the longer the drag, the greater i have to bear the suffering. A few answers floated in my mind, but the foolish me just dumped them into the rubbish bin soon after they appeared... Just deluding myself maybe... Despite the fact that i dont wanna have too high hopes thing will work out eventually, i still wish to persist in my beliefs that the gd things are wat i'm eventually waiting for.
This is the 2nd time i have woke up to search for the ring lol~ Habits really die hard.............
Now i do believe in the Chinese saying 日有所思，夜有所梦... Somehow or rather, i keep seeing her in lalaland... Just now i had really wished i stayed in lalaland for a far much greater time, maybe if i dont wake it might not be a bad thing either as we would still be tgt in lalaland. Wg is right, sleep n dreams or even alcohol are but just a temp escape... U would feel worse when u wake.
Inevitably you still have to face the cold reality, biting the bullet and go through the shit.. I hate it but i will do it.
I am not sure if she will be reading all these nonsense... If she do see it, all i want her to noe is that i will be patiently waiting while painfully missing~

Eventual Dateline~

I finally managed to have a short stay in lalaland last night. JC seems like u r right~ With sufficient amount of vodzuka will help u capture your objective even though its not a proper one. I managed to sleep for 2hrs before the familiar heartache brought me back to the cold hard reality.
21st Jan 06, that is the day that i will have to wait for. Everything will unfold on that day... Perhaps she is indeed in need of that trip for her to unwind and sort herself out. However i m beginning to doubt my faith, my will... I really dunno if i have the power to hold till den. Each day she takes is an extra day i will have to endure stabs in my heart plus missing of her~ Well i chose to take this gamble and maybe this is the kinda stakes i have to throw in for this gamble.
I am beginning to have my doubts for her as well, i am getting unsure of her understanding of me and wat is the eventual answer i need. I really dont need her to rid herself of that person now, it is ridiculous. The confidence of leaving the person behind and her faith in this relationship is what i seek.
The relationship is weakening over time... Each day she take does more than adding pain on me. The longer the time she needs, the less significant the relationship is to her. MA1505 is an interesting module with the most witty lecturer i've had, his name is Brett McInnes. McInnes believes in the competition theory which i kinda agree... Most things in life comes on as a competition, be it a soccer match b/w chelsea and manchester united or even simple mathematics. The matter of fact that the competition drags on shows that our relationship is not playing a dominant role in her heart after all and a crush has just as much power to defeat it. McInnes likes to draw analogy to the tiger n the lion. If her decision now is a cage fight between the tiger and the lion... with each day that passes, the tiger is turning slowly into a loser chincilla...
Oh come on, i am sure i will bitch it or vent my frustrations through crazy running or indulgence in work just to get through this period. Just like wat JC says, somehow things will straighten out... I dont really need pple telling me all these cliched old common sense but perhaps all pple can do is to make me believe that all these sense is actually sane.
I am really sorry yet thankful to all my brothers... U all noe who u r~ As well as my confidantes... Despite wat u all have done for me... again and again i keep falling back to the rock bottom... U all know why i am going through this. Your brother over here doesnt wanna be so committed and kan bu kai... he wanna be able to fang de xia also... Maybe Hamster got it all... the reason why i always get so bruised and hurt is probably becox i always give all my heart in a relationship.
Enough of blogging... Dental appointment awaits me... perhaps a new color to brighten up my life might do me some good...
Brace up El~ 18 more days

Waiting~

I didnt know what went wrong with me. Somehow i couldnt purge my mind of the tots of her. Sitting back in my couch, i began writting down my thoughts and how i really felt onto a letter that i would pass to her. Below her flat i ended at, with the letter in my hand. I was feeling awful, on one hand i crave to see her, on the other i was worried abt what she might say to me. After handing the letter to her, i took a short walk to the bench we would always go to. Perhaps the place holds much beloved memories for me... Everything feels like yest but its non existent anymore. After a while she offered to come down to acc me. She didnt say much... we spent much of the time staring into the sky with heads on the bench... finally i walked her back just like i always do and saw her up to her flat. When the lift reached, she didnt wanna step out. She requested for a hug but i turned her down. If i m not the one she could love den perhaps i shouldnt be the one she hugs as well. It hurts my heart to say that but perhaps making things clear now would be better than dragging it on...
One thing i didnt tell her was how i was frantically searching for my ring when i woke up today. Normally the first thing i would do is to look for my loved ring. Its a painful stab in the sleepyhead's heart to eventually recall that the ring is no longer with him... She sent a few msgs to me this morn, glad am i to know there isnt much underlying meanings to the words. Maybe wat she really needs is time and wat i really need is not mere take care sorry gd luck all the best for sch... Hahaz i was thinking maybe during the courtship i was spared from the agony of mind games thats why fate is having all these shit in store for me now. sighz.... We are both sure wat i really want. If it is so hard for her to choose me over someone never in the picture who had never and will never do anything for her, is it still all worthwhile for me to hold on? However i still wanna take a gamble, if time is her wish, she may have it... No matter wat, i will be waiting as i know of nuttin more i can do...
I chose to have this written in purple for purple reminds me of her. A long pain day to pass~ Will i eventually manage to get a wink?

NY 2006

A Brand New Year ought to be fun and great but why is it that El is blogging online at this wee hour? Well i guess i really have no other means of speaking or letting out the bottled emotions. Not sure if i can really put it in words, but a summary of my agony now is pain...
When she told me at the beach that all she felt was liking but not love, i felt my heart stabbed. Perhaps its was so far too painful that i even forgot that tears might act as anaesthetic. Reason she gave to substantiate was the existence of the other person in her heart. Its been bugging me for long, why someone could leave her hankering for him when he didnt even do much for her while the one who truly feels and care is suffering in heartache. Den after pondering, for some time i did foolishly thought that to love, i would not have to bother abt all these shit~ So what if another person is in her heart, i would still love her n dote on her. Soon i realised that i m but just a mortal and not a saint. Cut the moral high ground shit i mentioned earlier. I do indeed care abt it, even to the extent of being affected.
Still, i returned the ring with her name engraved back to her. I really see no point in me wearing it, pseudo relationship symbology wats the point???? If she indeed feels that i m the one she is gonna entrust her love, may she put the ring back on my hand for me. I do sincerely hope that this day will come and not too long from now. As for my ring, she may kindly keep it as she is indeed the one i wanna entrust my love to.
After i saw her home, for some unknown reason, i began to stroll along the park in front of her flat. Memories just flush through my mind~ How i wish a call from her would come just this very moment but wishes do not always come true. I really wish to know what she is thinking of, but then is it all worthwhile? Would i be feeling any betteR?
Sighz~ I suppose i would have Insomnia to accompany me through the night with occasionally thoughts of her floating by.......