Screw U Elvin~

This is a Bitching post! Whoever hates it, do not read on... Now listen, pple close to El noes he hates Chinese New Year... He hates disclosing the reason... Its just got sthg to do with a regret~ El hates feeling neglected esp by her~ Perhaps becox he is assured by her that she values him... He is a pillar!!! I dunno... my mind is blanking out now~ My stomach is hurting becox of my bad gastric problem!!! Its returning to trouble me these days when i dont have appetite to eat... No one believes it, its CNY yet he still doesnt have appetitie... But really makes me feel horrid is the feeling of being neglected... I would rush down to the clinic when she is ill... why is it that she merely send a few sms and thats all?? And none even asked if i am feeling alrite now?? Wouldnt she even spare a call to check if i am indeed alrite??? My stomach hurts... My heart feels a greater pain!! Is this really the kinda value she sees in me?? Am i really asking for too much?? I have no idea~ So much for saying i am important, i am gonna be treasured, i am valued~
Maybe she is not sensitive~ Maybe she is tired~ Maybe she is busy... A mere few sms and she is off to bed... Am I really important? I dunno~ I cant sleep!!

Mere Fatigue

My dear is back~ Nuttin makes me happier than this!!!!! I think i m really addicted to her smile and i will pay all price to earn a smile on her face... A couple of shitty things happened to her for the past few days and her mood is really rock bottom. Her internal struggle with hits from cold hard reality making things worse... Of all times, the damn flu bug gotta come pester her today~
I guess, all i can do is just quietly stay by her side, being her tear absorbent pillow?? I really not know of anything more to do... I do wish she would not brood anymore~ Seeing her sad just drags my mood to the lowest it can get as well. Tired i may be, over watever i may have to handle, studies, coaching my brother, my family probs etc... However, the one that i really really care the most for but feel so helpless is just her. It may be a gd growing process, i had struggled outta mine 2yrs ago as well... Yet it hurts me seeing her in that situation now.... However bad n rough the patch maybe, i m sorry but you really do have to walk it thru my dear. Thats the bad thing~ But rest assured that someone here will be holding a torch to walk it thru with you~
No doubt i am tired now with fatigue catching up with me... Till i am assured she is fine will i be able to rest well~ Despite all the fatigue, i am happy!!! Being the one sharing only joyful times will not help!!! I really do wanna be the one you share your sorrows with... and i m glad you allowed me to. For i believe, we are not merely talking now, we are communicating~ May i see the true smile from the bottom of the heart in no time~ I do believe its mere fatigue, it will be healed by her smile =)

Erhmzzzzzzzzzzz

Hey, u aint that fat as rumoured wat!!!! Thats like the freaking line that is resounding in my ears for the past 2 weeks lol~ Now, what really puzzles me is... The 2kg gained from X'mas is way gone after 1 week of running... I m like weighing lesser than how i was after i ORD~ Yet everyone is still saying the same thing??? Maybe the vainpot is acting up again?? lol~
Its just weird why everyone comes over to me saying the same old shit... Is my weight and shape of that much capability to satisfy pple's curiosity?? Was talking to hammie a few days back abt this... His answer being: F*** IT~ Ya Baby fats been on you all along, not like they popped up recently~ Just be happy!!!! Anyway, IPPT is gonna be after VDay Lol~ Wat a gd plan isnt it??? $400 bucks is entering my acc for sure... Shall use it to cover the hole burnt in my pocket due to Vday!!! Already settled on my plans for VDay~ The VDay 'project' is gonna take quite a bit of time... maybe i shd start embarking on it. Only prob is that she might happen to discover it when she comes over on CNY. If thats the case, its gonna be pointless already rite? If surprise = 60%, the 60% of amazement is already gone~
Hooray~ Finally drop down to mere 3 cards to go... By the time the cards are all filled i can countdown to her arrival already lol~
Rachel set off for Australia today!!! Bon Voyage gal~ Sorry i disappointed u... I believe u understand why i rejected ya request to patch up! There really isnt space in my heart for you... That J Gal took all avail space already..... Time healed those wounds u left in my heart~ i believe thoses in ya heart will heal in no time.
Grr 8am lecture tml~ Better go Slp... No screwing ard anymore this sem onwards!!!

Whole New Start

Finally a new term begins~
gosh, everyone i ran into in sch just tells me the same thing! El you seemed to have put on weight, gerard is better, he really 'made' my day lol~ I m determined now, gotta start running everyday from this very day and lost those extra stuff on me~
Went to see a doctor today as i really cannot stand the damn outbreak anymore. Any later i can change my name to Mark Tan already.... Well i believe everyone noes how vain i m so there is no need for me to explain why i m so uptight abt this... the damn medication plus a facial wash costed me $80 bucks. How ex it is to be vain lol~ But maybe i shd be comforted to know that it will last me for 2 months, so even it out to be 40 a month abt 1.30 a day lol~ Shit, i m doing it again, my best fwens would prob be used to this already. I already lost count of how many dollarz i m upkeeping a day based on such calculation.
My dear called from taiwan just abt an hour ago~ Glad that she is having fun touring ard the damn freaking taiwan. Heard she will be moving over to Hualian tml..... gosh i really miss the night market!!! I wanna eat the Assorted Beancurd Jelly... GRRR, lets face reality, i m stuck in S'pore studying and of course losing weight muahaha. But its alrite~ maybe i shall go travelling sometime when she is busy and let her have a taste of the feeling lol...
Its been 2 days already... perhaps numb to the missing~ i didnt really feel the adrenaline rush when i heard her voice just now haha.... Perhaps right now missing her is already a part of my life hence i dont feel the exceptionality.
Doing the special book for her now... Only weiguang noes what i m up to hehe~ damn it, roles are really reversed~ why am i doing this?? I do not freaking have any idea why... Shdnt it be a gal doing it for a guy? Who cares........ I just feel like doing it and it makes me happy!
Elim & Weian~ Shocker yeah??? Didnt realised u all had sthg for each other..... it feels kinda shocking to me~ But still Congrats ya!!! Another pair of Psychotic couple hehehe.
9 more days to go b4 she is back!!! Looking forward to it, hope she likes wat i had prepared her but whether she will be moved, i dont know. Lets not bother, its done anyway~
Time to rest, No more late nights!!! For Da Sake of the Moi Face!!!!! I HATE U PIMPLES GET OUTTA MY LIFE 4EVA~

Back??? But it feels wrong!!!

I finally got an answer from her. The very answer i needed. For the nite i actually tot i was happy... I m now sure its the sense of relief i felt that overwhelmed the happiness. I was not that happy afterall. Why is that so??? Isnt that all i had really hoped for after all these while, and isnt this one of the things causing me the pain??
This is shitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is the pain still clinging on to me... No doubt she is 'back', the feeling is discounted, i m now on my guard against her. I have no idea why the hell i m doing this to us. Perhaps i realised i m really unsure of her afterall... I have no idea who she is... Jolene is the name of a gal i knew thru union camp that likes purple, nuttin more can be associated. I'm unsure thats why i am afraid of hurting her which in turn will bring pain to me!!! Its especially bad when i don't even know wat i do will hurt her... thats why i really dunno what i can do for her.
We had a talk yest~ I know she didnt mean it but that doesnt mean what she say is not going to hurt me. She said this to me, " Many things i said in the past aint from my heart, its more of just to 敷衍 you"
Gosh~ it feels like a stab again... lol~ Who is this gal???? 最熟悉的陌生人???? Do i really know her???????? Maybe its a mere temp loss of memory or a denial of reality... perhaps both are perfect natural instincts of El to protect himself?? lol
I spent the nite thinking but to no avail haha~
I've been given a 1week promise today, perhaps she tot i would be happy. But so wat if the person is forgotten in a week... that is not the problem anymore... Its not gonna make any diff if she take a week, a month or even a year~ No hurry gal, i'm with you for that.
One thing for sure, things are not feeling the same as before... Thats for sure. If love is abt feelings den sthg is wrong if u dont feel right...
Thanks bastard~ the talk with you yest had brought some new things to me... I really learnt... Perhaps most of the time, i was merely talking to her and not communicating, which is why i realised that i dunno her.
It is really true, there is indeed no individuality in a relationship, relationship comprises 3 components, the 2parties and the feelings between the 2. Each component would be strongly linked to the others thats why wat 1 does hurts 2. When sthg goes wrong, 1person cant do anything... When 2 person can face the prob tgt with trust and faith, then only can they conquer the probs cox when 2 has an united mind, the feelings will follow in the same path.
Daniel Beddingfields, i hate u... for i always feel worse when i listen to ya crap.... but luckily its only when i m sad that i might listen to u. Damn it, To hell with the iTunes blasting shit, i m off for a jog to sweat it all out!
I have faith now!!!

Dreams

I'm really feeling confused... She has been msging me everyday... What does a forward msg really show? She still care but do not know wat to say? Or perhaps she is just afraid i might erase her from memory?? I simply refuse to interpret it in reality... Reason being, some of the msg can actually have underlying meanings esp the forward msg kind. I just dont wanna give myself too much of a false hope as it will only turn into greater disappointment.
Well someone told me, if she indeed feels for me, why would she have to take her own sweet time to give me an answer when she is clear the longer the drag, the greater i have to bear the suffering. A few answers floated in my mind, but the foolish me just dumped them into the rubbish bin soon after they appeared... Just deluding myself maybe... Despite the fact that i dont wanna have too high hopes thing will work out eventually, i still wish to persist in my beliefs that the gd things are wat i'm eventually waiting for.
This is the 2nd time i have woke up to search for the ring lol~ Habits really die hard.............
Now i do believe in the Chinese saying 日有所思，夜有所梦... Somehow or rather, i keep seeing her in lalaland... Just now i had really wished i stayed in lalaland for a far much greater time, maybe if i dont wake it might not be a bad thing either as we would still be tgt in lalaland. Wg is right, sleep n dreams or even alcohol are but just a temp escape... U would feel worse when u wake.
Inevitably you still have to face the cold reality, biting the bullet and go through the shit.. I hate it but i will do it.
I am not sure if she will be reading all these nonsense... If she do see it, all i want her to noe is that i will be patiently waiting while painfully missing~

Eventual Dateline~

I finally managed to have a short stay in lalaland last night. JC seems like u r right~ With sufficient amount of vodzuka will help u capture your objective even though its not a proper one. I managed to sleep for 2hrs before the familiar heartache brought me back to the cold hard reality.
21st Jan 06, that is the day that i will have to wait for. Everything will unfold on that day... Perhaps she is indeed in need of that trip for her to unwind and sort herself out. However i m beginning to doubt my faith, my will... I really dunno if i have the power to hold till den. Each day she takes is an extra day i will have to endure stabs in my heart plus missing of her~ Well i chose to take this gamble and maybe this is the kinda stakes i have to throw in for this gamble.
I am beginning to have my doubts for her as well, i am getting unsure of her understanding of me and wat is the eventual answer i need. I really dont need her to rid herself of that person now, it is ridiculous. The confidence of leaving the person behind and her faith in this relationship is what i seek.
The relationship is weakening over time... Each day she take does more than adding pain on me. The longer the time she needs, the less significant the relationship is to her. MA1505 is an interesting module with the most witty lecturer i've had, his name is Brett McInnes. McInnes believes in the competition theory which i kinda agree... Most things in life comes on as a competition, be it a soccer match b/w chelsea and manchester united or even simple mathematics. The matter of fact that the competition drags on shows that our relationship is not playing a dominant role in her heart after all and a crush has just as much power to defeat it. McInnes likes to draw analogy to the tiger n the lion. If her decision now is a cage fight between the tiger and the lion... with each day that passes, the tiger is turning slowly into a loser chincilla...
Oh come on, i am sure i will bitch it or vent my frustrations through crazy running or indulgence in work just to get through this period. Just like wat JC says, somehow things will straighten out... I dont really need pple telling me all these cliched old common sense but perhaps all pple can do is to make me believe that all these sense is actually sane.
I am really sorry yet thankful to all my brothers... U all noe who u r~ As well as my confidantes... Despite wat u all have done for me... again and again i keep falling back to the rock bottom... U all know why i am going through this. Your brother over here doesnt wanna be so committed and kan bu kai... he wanna be able to fang de xia also... Maybe Hamster got it all... the reason why i always get so bruised and hurt is probably becox i always give all my heart in a relationship.
Enough of blogging... Dental appointment awaits me... perhaps a new color to brighten up my life might do me some good...
Brace up El~ 18 more days

Waiting~

I didnt know what went wrong with me. Somehow i couldnt purge my mind of the tots of her. Sitting back in my couch, i began writting down my thoughts and how i really felt onto a letter that i would pass to her. Below her flat i ended at, with the letter in my hand. I was feeling awful, on one hand i crave to see her, on the other i was worried abt what she might say to me. After handing the letter to her, i took a short walk to the bench we would always go to. Perhaps the place holds much beloved memories for me... Everything feels like yest but its non existent anymore. After a while she offered to come down to acc me. She didnt say much... we spent much of the time staring into the sky with heads on the bench... finally i walked her back just like i always do and saw her up to her flat. When the lift reached, she didnt wanna step out. She requested for a hug but i turned her down. If i m not the one she could love den perhaps i shouldnt be the one she hugs as well. It hurts my heart to say that but perhaps making things clear now would be better than dragging it on...
One thing i didnt tell her was how i was frantically searching for my ring when i woke up today. Normally the first thing i would do is to look for my loved ring. Its a painful stab in the sleepyhead's heart to eventually recall that the ring is no longer with him... She sent a few msgs to me this morn, glad am i to know there isnt much underlying meanings to the words. Maybe wat she really needs is time and wat i really need is not mere take care sorry gd luck all the best for sch... Hahaz i was thinking maybe during the courtship i was spared from the agony of mind games thats why fate is having all these shit in store for me now. sighz.... We are both sure wat i really want. If it is so hard for her to choose me over someone never in the picture who had never and will never do anything for her, is it still all worthwhile for me to hold on? However i still wanna take a gamble, if time is her wish, she may have it... No matter wat, i will be waiting as i know of nuttin more i can do...
I chose to have this written in purple for purple reminds me of her. A long pain day to pass~ Will i eventually manage to get a wink?

NY 2006

A Brand New Year ought to be fun and great but why is it that El is blogging online at this wee hour? Well i guess i really have no other means of speaking or letting out the bottled emotions. Not sure if i can really put it in words, but a summary of my agony now is pain...
When she told me at the beach that all she felt was liking but not love, i felt my heart stabbed. Perhaps its was so far too painful that i even forgot that tears might act as anaesthetic. Reason she gave to substantiate was the existence of the other person in her heart. Its been bugging me for long, why someone could leave her hankering for him when he didnt even do much for her while the one who truly feels and care is suffering in heartache. Den after pondering, for some time i did foolishly thought that to love, i would not have to bother abt all these shit~ So what if another person is in her heart, i would still love her n dote on her. Soon i realised that i m but just a mortal and not a saint. Cut the moral high ground shit i mentioned earlier. I do indeed care abt it, even to the extent of being affected.
Still, i returned the ring with her name engraved back to her. I really see no point in me wearing it, pseudo relationship symbology wats the point???? If she indeed feels that i m the one she is gonna entrust her love, may she put the ring back on my hand for me. I do sincerely hope that this day will come and not too long from now. As for my ring, she may kindly keep it as she is indeed the one i wanna entrust my love to.
After i saw her home, for some unknown reason, i began to stroll along the park in front of her flat. Memories just flush through my mind~ How i wish a call from her would come just this very moment but wishes do not always come true. I really wish to know what she is thinking of, but then is it all worthwhile? Would i be feeling any betteR?
Sighz~ I suppose i would have Insomnia to accompany me through the night with occasionally thoughts of her floating by.......